ROE INTENSE

There are few things on this Earth that make me 9-year-old-at-Christmas excited. One was and still is Christmas. Duh. Another was the one time I went and saw the Two Towers in the theatre. Then there was that one time I went to WWF In Your House in the Civic Auditorium. Another, more contemporary example happens every week for a few weeks a year. Hello. I am a thirty year old man. My name is Tony “ROE INTENSE” Gardner, and I have a Downton Abbey problem. Monday is Downton day. It’s on PBS on our Roku. I can’t wait to finish my pizza shift. It’s also my favorite home-date with Amazewife. Think of it. Amazewife. Downton. Same night. Amaze-ton Abbey. I could not contain my excitement during my shift yesterday. So, this happened. I am dark red, Amazewife is light red. Give me a break, autocorrect. I am disappointed. You need to correct Downton misspellings. That’s ok, though. Amazewife will understand. Autocorrect, FTW. Here’s another win, but the correction was NOT auto. It h...

I made more than $60 Friday and more than $40 Saturday. Friday had a memorable Walk. Saturday had a memorable Talk. Let’s start with Friday. Night had already fallen. I’m not sure what time it was. I clocked out another order and got the bag ready. It was a cash receipt so the clipboard stayed in my apron pocket. I put the bag in the passenger seat of my car as I loaded up. I shut the door tight and turned on the dome light. The Lady in my Phone started directing me as soon as I put the address in and hit “Go.” It was 60 yards away. I checked the GPS again. Sure enough, the address was 60 yards away. I looked in the direction of the address and knew the exact building it referred do. Out I got. Bag in hand and phone stowed, I started walking. The door to the apartment building was guarded by a Phone Golem . I called the customer instead of tempting fate. “H-h-h-hullo?” “Hi there. This is RI with that one pizza restaurant.” “Yeah?” I paused. Did I have the right customer? “I a...

I see the strangest things on people’s porches sometimes. They really tell stories. I was right around the corner from my old stomping grounds. The sun was bright. I didn’t need my sweater. My quarry was visible and well-marked. I parked my car on the East side of South 22nd street and got out. I had to skirt a Bronco to get to the porch I needed. There was a chain-link fence, but no gate. (Bonus. Those can be a real pain to open.) I went to step up the concrete stairs to the porch and checked myself. A third of the bottom step was crumbled and eroded away. The erosion wasn’t as bad further up. I know that because I jumped up and down on some wobbly parts, flailing my oblong pizza bag like a parasol. They didn’t break. I’m just kidding. I totally did NOT do that. Anyway, the porch was clear up to the door. I stepped in and knocked. I half expected the stairs behind me to crumble away in the chasm below them. They didn’t. I saw a chair and a single-burner propane stand with lava roc...

Tuesday night was a big night. $66. In fact, I think I had it kind of wrong about Monday and Tuesday. I average $44/night on those days. That is far above my goal of $36. Rock on. Tuesday nights I close with Tock . I work a partial shift Monday with him, too. When we are not on the road, we’re doing dishes and chatting. I’ve mentioned he’s trying to stay on the horse. Wait. Does marijuana make you fall off horses? Or do you just ponder how cool an animal it is and smile at the fact that you and the horse are both wearing shoes? Anyway, you get the metaphor. Let’s move on. He’s trying to keep at it. He attends a class once a week or once every two weeks. He tells me it is like AA only more rigid, with homework. Drugs and alcohol are an interesting topic with him. “I think calling it a disease is a copout,” Tock said. I was shocked. “Really?” I said. “You think so?” I sprayed a mixture of ham, cheese, carbonized pizza dough and a few other juices off some containers and put them in...

Telecare is a regular stop. They focus on caring for those with mental illness and special needs. They share a building on Dorcas St. with some other non-profits and Grace University. The lady in my phone confused me the first time I went there. She took me to 8 th street and turned me south. There was nothing there but a brick wall where my target should have been. I had to get creative. I went back the way I came. There was a multi-story building behind a large parking lot above the aforementioned brick wall. I pulled in to said lot. A trip around the South side of the building yielded hope. I found 815, but not 819. Then I found a sign. "Telecare," it read. The receipt had the word "Telecare" on it, so I followed the breadcrumb. I went up some stairs, found a door and knocked. No answer. Found another door. Knocked. No answer. There were some doors without outside handles. I didn't knock on those ones. I followed a curving path without luck. Then I wen...

“Cap’n,” my coworker said. It was the tone of her voice. It was the tone, and the direction. Her voice was deadened in a specific way. All those versed in the ways of frustrated Users can recognize it. You see, the human voice sounds distinct when bouncing off of a frustrating computer and/or one of its peripherals. “Cap’n, the printer’s broke,” my coworker said. I was already by her side. She was fiddling with a receipt printer. These small gray boxes are like those UFOs from Batteries Not Included. But not the cool one. Or the burger one. The ornery one. I’m not saying this printer runs away with silverware or steals appliances to procreate. I’m just saying these little mini-machine gun bunkers can be a pain in the neck. You know what I asked her when I got to the printer? Guess. “Did you turn it off and back on again?” Coworker looked at me. “I thought I did,” she said. I opened the lid, checked the paper. There was no jam. I closed it. She clicked the power off and back o...

Here are the December numbers. The winter season continues to see gains in all the right places. Total net earnings jumped 2% to $1,164.78. Avg. Tips+Mileage/Hr. went up 28% to reach a new high of $11.58. My highest-paying day in December was lower than my highest in November by 17%, but my worst paying December day was 60% brighter than November's. All of these numbers were achieved on less days working. I was laid out with a debilitating not-flu viral infection the last week of the month. Overall, December was a great. January is projecting up with an increase in minimum wage to $8.00. This will increase total gross pay by about $60/month. It will also be colder than December. I've noticed tips increase as temperature decreases. The debt will die, or they'll find me with both legs broke holding my .50 Hawken Gun . That one's for you, Dad. Everyone else that is less Redford-experienced, that's a Jeremiah Johnson reference. As he begins his journey into the wild...

I’ve mentioned that I was flu tested. The results of that terrible experience were conclusive: I did not have the flu. The virus I did have coursed through my sick bloodstream, wreaking havoc and playing peek-a-boo with my immune system for five days. It drained my reserves down pretty low. My body felt broken. My hope was waning. I remember Wednesday morning Amazewife asked how I was feeling when I woke up. She punctuated her question with a smile, for the fourth day in a row. The children were hanging off of her like parasitic apes. They were at volume level 10. Even the baby was going Godzilla on our room. I felt my lip quiver and didn’t answer her right away. The sicknesses subsided later that Wednesday. Friday was my first day back to deliveries. I got to job #1 and things went well. My coworker was helpful and we were in good shape, but I still felt overwhelmed. There were things that needed to be done. I needed to deliver pizzas, so I scheduled time Saturday while Meredith ...