Preparing for Childbirth

The last thing I recorded for posterity was my attempt at humor on customers’ doorsteps. That was on July 7th. One month and 20 days later, it’s time to talk about something else. But first, a bit about money.

Freeing yourself from the slavery of consumer, personal and other debt is the longest and hardest baby step for us. It’s also the second step in Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover, not the first. The first is to put away $1,000 for emergencies because life happens.

But what if BIG life happens? Health problems, car trouble, ailing loved ones, and yes, childbirth. Those usually cost way more than $1,000.

Your money in this situation is your ally. When storm clouds arise, you need to stop your Total Money Makeover and just hoard cash until the storm passes. Then, you dump whatever wasn’t spent on the emergency back into your Debt Snowball and keep rolling.

Right now, let’s say you’re hoarding money. It’s just piling up. You’re getting ready for the storm, so that’s good. But what if it’s a baby? And what if you’re a man like me: motivated, hard working, and a little dense?

 

Preparing for a New Baby

 

I feel a strong urge to lend my voice to those thousands of husbands, fathers and/or baby-daddies like me. You have a wife/baby-momma due to give birth soon and you want to do everything you can to help prepare. Go, you noble person, you.

You may have already volunteered to:

• Go to Sonic at midnight for a chocolate shake. NO, not chocolate. An OREO blast. NO. Not Oreo. Heath bar. (Nevermind, just get me whatever you want honey, just make sure it’s chocolate and a shake. )
• Rub the cramp(s) out of her calf(ves) at 2 AM with firm pressure from one or both thumbs. You may have also said at the same time, “Wow, honey, that’s a bad cramp.” She may or may not have squeaked out a terse and pained, “Thanks, just FIX IT.”
• Cook dinner, AKA, cereal or pizza.
• Told her that she is the most beautiful woman in the world – and meant it – despite her feelings of fatness. They are totally unjustified. She’s not fat. She just has a 6-8 pound GROWING HUMAN PERSON IN HER TUM TUM THAT PUSHES HER TORSO OUT SO FAR HER BELLY BUTTON POPS LIKE A TURKEY TIMER.

There is more that can and should be done to help prepare.  I give you the ROE INTENSE Certified 3-step program for preparing for a new baby:

1. Surpass 200 pounds in bodyweight.
2. Change full-time jobs three weeks before baby is due
3. Quit delivering pizzas

Let’s go over them in detail.

Bodyweight

 

This one really is the easiest step. And it’s customizable! You can gain weight how you want, where you want, and without any self control whatsoever. Here’s how I did it:

• Bundle up your stress into an emotional package
• Stuff that stress into candy and pop
• Eat the candy and pop. Lots of it.
• Repeat.

See? Isn’t that simple? This isn’t rocket science. You need to selfishly lose control of wise diet and exercise habits in favor of doing what YOU want to do, eating what YOU want to eat, and dealing with it how YOU want to deal with it. It is seriously like magic.

Obamacare healthcare prices got you down?

Candy and pop.

Presidential candidates making your mind hurt?

Candy and pop.

Insecure about your performance as a father, husband, brother and son because of how much candy and pop you drink?

Candy and pop.

Which leads me into step 2.

 

Change Jobs

 

After you’re done gaining however much it takes you  to tip 200 pounds, you need to realize that you’re out of control. There are stresses in your life that have gotten out of hand. Your path is leading you in the wrong direction.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll realize you weren’t just eating your feelings in the form of candy and pop. You were avoiding self analysis. You weren’t asking incredibly difficult questions about what the right thing is for yourself and your family. This may very well lead you, as it did me, to change jobs.

Do you have to do so 3 weeks before she’s due to deliver? That’s more of a guideline, really. But don’t wait to make the important decisions. The peace that comes from lining up with the Universe – which is really your Heavenly Father lining you up to him, but wutevs – surpasses understanding (v. 7).

I finished full-time employment with Layton Flower Technologies on 8/22/2016 and began full-time with TD Ameritrade as a Network Operations Solution Engineer on 8/23. It’s one of the, if not THE most difficult decision I’ve made this year.

And what about the other job?

 

Quit Delivering Pizzas

 

“RI,” you say. “This website is about your pizza delivery stories! What are you thinking?”

You’re right. That’s how it started. But it’s grown into more than that. I’ve updated the website already. This is about working hard to free your family and change your family tree. Some people deliver pizzas. Some people start their own business. I delivered pizzas. I’ve done so for two years now. I will dearly miss those people that I’ve associated with over that time: Cap’n, Monk, Leff-Tenant ( who, beeteedubs, was promoted to Cap’n over her own store), the Warrior. But, and here’s the but:

I found a better part-time job.

See what I did there? You might think I’m speaking out against pizza delivery. I’m not. I will go back to doing so in a heartbeat if ever I need to. But for now, Layton Flower has decided to keep me on part-time. Less wear and tear on the car, an office dog, and more consistent pay over time. It’s a better deal.

I’m still building the Tip Tracker. I still plan on opening that up and all the data with it. And I still plan on recounting some of the stories I’ve missed over Babyman’s gestational period. But expect some stories about my life as a technician.

 

And that’s it, folks.

 

Really. That’s it. Easy peasy. Stay tuned for the ROE INTENSE steps to losing  45 pounds like your life depends on it.

-ROE INTENSE